Nineteenth Shift.

Cutter stared at me with distant eyes as I finished informing him of the events that had transpired not even twelve hours ago. I felt embarrassed yet somewhat triumphant at what had happened, though Cutter remained silent for much longer than he usually ever is, which means something considering the fact that he doesn’t shut up.

“So you fucked her.” He replies simply and I shrug. “I guess.” He stares at me a moment. “You guess? Like sticking your dick inside of her could be otherwise interpreted as recreational drug use?” I frown. “We fucked. Nothing much else to it besides the fact that she tried using a super-sized tampon as a dildo on my arse.” Cutter rubs his scraggly chin a moment. “You think it was pre-meditated?” I just look at him. “She decapitated a co-worker and specifically asked for me to be the replacement.”

Cutter nods a second, “And how exactly does Ear Ache fall into this situation?” He asks and I’m rubbing my head, already pretty annoyed with the interrogation. “She threw a slab of bacon and told him to fetch. Didn’t see him again for a few hours.” I cast a look over at my large platonic friend and see him still sucking on the remnants of the bacon like a sick wad of gum, a large smile tearing open that simple minded face of his.

“Did you make magic happen?” Cutter asks and I stare at him. “What do you mean?” I query and he growls. “Did you empty the sink? Add milk to the cereal? Wiggle free the Wii-mote?” I stare at him with a look of amazement and he slaps his head before grabbing my shoulders. “DID YOU EJACULATE WHILE STILL INSIDE THE VAGINAL TRACT!!!” He screams and I glare at him. “I got that when you started the shitty metaphors, I was just amazed at how none of them seemed even remotely comparable to the usual innuendo one uses when describing intercourse.”

My response is a wide eyed stare that easily caused the hairs on the back of my neck to tingle. “Is that a yes or no?” He simply responds and I shrug his hands from my shoulders, steadily trying to procrastinate. “That is indeed the question.” I reply and he growls yet again and I sigh. “Yes I did. Every time I tried to pull out she threatened to break my xbox. So I had no choice.”

Cutter’s eyes widened and he was once more shaking my shoulders in anger. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?!? YOU HAVE SOWN YOUR SEED!!! YOU HAVE JUST GIVEN GOD THE POWER TO FUCK YOU IN THE ARSE FOR ETERNITY!!! CONDEMNING YOU TO THE WILL OF THE VILEST CREATION IN ALL OF EXISTENCE!!! THE WOMAN.”

His screaming did little to make me worry; in fact, all it did was make me ask one simple question. “Why the ill view of women?” Cutter sighs and licks his lips. “My babysitter molested me.” He responds before raising a wire hanger held taut in his twisted fingers, causing me to frown. “Seriously?” I ask with an air of absolute disbelief and Cutter merely nods. “We need to stop it now before it grows a brain, otherwise who knows what horrors could be born upon the world…”

I push the hanger away, “How about we see where this situation leads first eh? I’m pretty sure it’s nearly impossible to get pregnant on the first try. Trust me.” Cutter seethes at my reply but lowers the hanger with a twisted sneer of disproval. “Babies are evil. Pure evil.” He warns and I just pat his shoulder. “I know mate, but abortion is a serious topic to try and touch in a comedic manner. We got to tread lightly otherwise risk another lawsuit like PETA did over that leprechaun.”

Cutter huffs a breath and crosses his arms. “How was I supposed to know those little green fuckers were considered an endangered species. I thought we’ve had equal rights since that shit with the Indians.” He mutters and I stifle a mocking laugh. “Umm yeah equal rights are about as extinct as leprechauns are now.”